Guilt

I've become quite good at blocking certain events in my life. More specifically emotions associated with those events. Such moments like emberassing misshapenings where I tell myself (literally say it outloud) "nothing happened, that didn't happen. It's over you're fine" And the event is literally erased from my memory, void of emotional feedback. I can do that almost in an instant, seconds after the incident. I think you could call it emotional detachment. BUT little insignificant events will occur, such as the following, and I'm toast.

I'm driving down the highway, and in front of me is a grey late 1980's honda civic stalled between two lanes. The hood is up and there's a young man standing by the front door. I get closer and we make eye contact. A suddon look of relief sweeps over his face as our eyes meet, I flash a quick smile as I do often and on impulse. I realize it may seem to him that I am stoping to help, but my intent is to go around and turn right at the intersection. I drive by slowly and know what he expects, but I drive on by. I see him standing there, alone, still looking towards my echo as it drives away. I failed him. I could have stopped to help. He was young and helpless, he looked poor which probably means no cell phone to call mom and dad. No one else had stopped and he's probably been there for a while. I am overcome with a great sense of guilt that I could have helped someone, had the chance to stop, and made a decision to drive away. I know that there was a split second where I made that decision, and I just can't forgive myself for it.

Go figure.