2005 is About

1. paying off debts
2.selling my body to pay for tuition ??
3. doing my taxes for the last 2 years
4. buying lottery tickets every day
5. taking hip hop lessons on Mondays
7. re-taking math 12, then I'd be SMRT
8. spending quality time with my dog, poor thing needs to be fed
9. making sweeet loove all day looong

You realize of course that we could never be friends.

Harry Burns: You realize of course that we could never be friends.
Sally Albright: Why not?
Harry Burns: What I'm saying is - and this is not a come-on in any way, shape or form - is that men and women can't be friends because the sex part always gets in the way.
Sally Albright: That's not true. I have a number of men friends and there is no sex involved.
Harry Burns: No you don't.
Sally Albright: Yes I do.
Harry Burns: No you don't.
Sally Albright: Yes I do.
Harry Burns: You only think you do.
Sally Albright: You say I'm having sex with these men without my knowledge?
Harry Burns: No, what I'm saying is they all WANT to have sex with you.
Sally: They do not!
Harry: Do to.
Sally: They do not.
Harry: Do too.
Sally: How do you know?
Harry: Because no man can be friends with a woman that he finds attractive. He always wants to have sex with her.
Sally: So, you're saying that a man can be friends with a woman he finds unattractive?
Harry: No. You pretty much want to nail 'em too.
Sally: What if THEY don't want to have sex with YOU?
Harry: Doesn't matter because the sex thing is already out there so the friendship is ultimately doomed and that is the end of the story.
Sally: Well, I guess we're not going to be friends then.
Harry: I guess not.
Sally: That's too bad. You were the only person I knew in New York.

Motherly Advice

Conversation w/ Mom.

Mom: "I ran into Mr. Bak today, did you know his mother has cancer?"
me: " No, why?"
Mom: "She's getting really great treatment in Poland. Mr. Bak says that Poland is getting recognized for their medical advances. A lot of people are going over for various treatments because of the quality of service and the cheap prices."
me: "uhuh..."
Mom: "Mr. Bak told me a lot of foreigners are flocking for their services. Getting anything from cancer treatment to plastic surgery..."
me: " uhuh?"
Mom: "You should really get your breasts done in Poland before the prices go up!!!

Guilt

I've become quite good at blocking certain events in my life. More specifically emotions associated with those events. Such moments like emberassing misshapenings where I tell myself (literally say it outloud) "nothing happened, that didn't happen. It's over you're fine" And the event is literally erased from my memory, void of emotional feedback. I can do that almost in an instant, seconds after the incident. I think you could call it emotional detachment. BUT little insignificant events will occur, such as the following, and I'm toast.

I'm driving down the highway, and in front of me is a grey late 1980's honda civic stalled between two lanes. The hood is up and there's a young man standing by the front door. I get closer and we make eye contact. A suddon look of relief sweeps over his face as our eyes meet, I flash a quick smile as I do often and on impulse. I realize it may seem to him that I am stoping to help, but my intent is to go around and turn right at the intersection. I drive by slowly and know what he expects, but I drive on by. I see him standing there, alone, still looking towards my echo as it drives away. I failed him. I could have stopped to help. He was young and helpless, he looked poor which probably means no cell phone to call mom and dad. No one else had stopped and he's probably been there for a while. I am overcome with a great sense of guilt that I could have helped someone, had the chance to stop, and made a decision to drive away. I know that there was a split second where I made that decision, and I just can't forgive myself for it.

Go figure.

Appreciating Today

There's a lot I am grateful for this Monday:

1.That I just KNEW my prof. wouldn't show up, and that I wouldn't write an exam today. I studied early and have been scheduled to write it on the 18th. AMEN --this could actually be a bad thing, but for the first time ever I studied a week in advance!!!

2. For the massage I got from one of our MCF boys, while I 'studied'. Womanly Powers in Action. OOPS. Did I say that outloud?

3. For the fact that my prof. sounds so yummy on his lecture tapes. mmm, psychology isn't all that bad. And his freudian slips are quite amusing. He was so enjoying having a class full of women. Don't worry #1, you're still my honey-bunny.

4. My mommy made me breakfast AND lunch for the road! The lunch was wrapped in a big grocery bag, but appreciated none the less.

5. My dog DIDN'T pee on the carpet, eventhough I was too lazy to walk him when I got up. It's just too damn cold.

It's gonna be a good week.

Dream Interpretation

Interp. of previous dream....

A bug/ insect denotes:

Extreme anxiety, resistance or negativity that is destroying you from the inside.
Something that is eating away at you
An annoyance or irritation

A fight:

Unresolved internal conflict
An unconcious stance of resistance against something that needs to be acknowledged
Feeling a need to defend or protect yourself
Competing with others

Ocean/Waves:
A large wave may represent either the surfacing of large emotions or a surge of power and determination (this one was probably influenced by tsunami footage)

Conclusion:
In the real world, I would't say what is eating away at me. Okay, I might because I may be a blabbermouth. And because I have chosen to write on the internet, I will analyze this dream publicly.

The thing is, humans experiance all sorts of emotions when they're in a relationship. And many of us don't want to be called that psychotic girlfriend, or significant other, by over emphasizing whatever we may be feeling. BUT the truth is those feelings need to be addressed. Or dealt with before they eat away at you. Jealousy is such a thing. Now don't get me wrong, I'm not suggesting jealousy should be a controlling substance in any relationship, but it DOES need to be addressed and acknowledged.

To wrap it up, I was hoping these feelings would go away on their own, and that whatever 'problem' I may be having would dissipate. Apperently it's resurfacing in my dreams. I won't go into any details, but let me tell you letting things bottle up is NOT a good feeling.

Damn it, I was supposed to be studying for an exam.... do I feel a migraine coming on?? :)

To be continued.

Let it Snow

Welcome. My first entry of the haphazard events in my life. I will begin with a dream I had last night:

Walked down a pier towards a raging ocean, my boyfriend, wearing his backback and fully clothed, decided he would jump in. I pointed to the large waves crashing against the sharp protruding rocks, and he sheepishly admited I was right. I'm always right, he should start listening to me. Then he placed a creeping insect on my shoulder and I beat a young boy unconscious for trying to get into my house. Felt guilty as hell.

The dream came to an abrupt end as I awoke to being thrown straight accross the bed. Apperantly I'm a bit of a bed hog.